


Group Chant

by RocGate13



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Humor, Group chat, Multi, Purple Hawke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-02-14 08:18:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13003638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocGate13/pseuds/RocGate13
Summary: Hawke creates a group chat for him and his companions and things predictably spiral out of control.





	1. Kingsway 7th

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! This is just a minor idea that came to me that I wanted to share. I may or may not develop it a bit further but for the most part it's just going to be light humour and memes. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Hawke = kirkwallfuckboi  
> Varric = TheRealVarricTethras  
> Aveline = Aveline Vallen  
> Carver = notgarrett  
> Merrill = HallaLover69  
> Anders = ATAB  
> Fenris = lonewolf  
> Isabela = PirateQueen

_Kingsway 7 th, 16:01_

**_kirkwallfuckboi_ ** _added **TheRealVarricTethras** , **Aveline Vallen** and 5 others to the group chat_

 

 **Aveline Vallen:**                Hawke, what is this?

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** one sec

 

 **_kirkwallfuckboi_ ** _named the group chat_ **Hawke and the Squad™**

**kirkwallfuckboi:** there we go!

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** nice username, Hawke

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** why thank you varric

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** if that IS your real name??

 **Aveline Vallen:**               Hawke, what’s the meaning of this?

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** it’s a group chat Aveline :P

 **Aveline Vallen:** Yes, I can see that.

 **PirateQueen:** lmaooo get rekd aveline!!!

 **Aveline Vallen:** Nobody asked you.

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** i wanted to make a group chat we could all be in

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** since we’re all such AMAZING FRIENDS and shit

 **Aveline Vallen:** That’s all well and good, Hawke, but I only use my phone for work-related matters.

 **Aveline Vallen:** I can’t afford to have something like this distracting me.

 **PirateQueen:** oh makerrrrrr lighten tf up

 **Aveline Vallen:** Again, I don’t remember asking YOU anything.

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** Rivaini’s got a point though

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** you need some time away from work

 **Aveline Vallen:** I take enough time off as it is!

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** plus we can use this group chat if we ever want to meet up at the hanged man for drinks!

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** saves me having to message everyone individually

 **Aveline Vallen:** Hawke, I still don’t know about this...

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** you’ve got nothing to worry about :D

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** i promise there’ll be no distractions :P

 **ATAB:** hey everyone

 **ATAB:** what

 **ATAB:** the

 **ATAB:** fuck

 **ATAB:** is

 **ATAB:** up

 **lonewolf:** What fresh hell is this

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** glad you guys could make it

****

**_lonewolf_ ** _has left the group_

**TheRealVarricTethras:** well, shit

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** was it something I said?

 

 **_kirkwallfuckboi_ ** _added **lonewolf** to _ **Hawke and the Squad™**

**kirkwallfuckboi:** nobody leaves!!!

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** this is a group chat for ALL of us!

 

 **_notgarrett_ ** _has left the group_

 **_kirkwallfuckboi_ ** _added **notgarrett** to _ **Hawke and the Squad™**

**kirkwallfuckboi:** what the fukc did I JUST SAY carver??

****

**_notgarrett_ ** _has left the group_

 **_kirkwallfuckboi_ ** _added **notgarrett** to _ **Hawke and the Squad™**

**notgarrett:** Maker’s breath Garrett

 **notgarrett:** Just let me leave

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** not a chance!

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** nobodys leaving this group chat unless they die!!

 **notgarrett:** brb kms

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** carver no don’t let me be an only child!!

 **Aveline Vallen:** Hawke.

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** oh aveline heyyyy :P

 **Aveline Vallen:** This is ridiculous. I’ve got work to do. At the very least, let me mute this blasted thing.

 **PirateQueen:**                   ur no fun aveline :///

 **ATAB:**                              yeah aveline stop dragging us down ://///

 **PirateQueen:** oh hey is that u anders?

 **ATAB:** yeah

 **PirateQueen:** wow i didnt think u even had a phone tbh

 **ATAB:** i have a phone i just dont use social media much

 **lonewolf:** Is that because you live in a sewer?

 **ATAB:** first of all how dare you

 **ATAB:** secondly yes

 **HallaLover69:** Hello?

 **HallaLover69:** Hello?

 **HallaLover69:** Oh it works!

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** hi merrill :D

 **HallaLover69:** This is amazing! I’ve never been in one of these group talk things before!

 **HallaLover69:** I can see all of your faces popping up on the screen next to what you’re saying!

 **HallaLover69:** Oh but for some reason there’s a cat here too. How did that cat get a phone?

 **ATAB:**                              no thats just me merrill

 **ATAB:** didnt want to use a face pic on my icon so i just used one of my old cat instead

 **HallaLover69:** Oh that makes more sense.

 **ATAB:** may you go to the makers side ser pounce-a-lot

 **PirateQueen:** merrill darling

 **HallaLover69:** Oh! Hi Isabela!

 **PirateQueen:** we need to talk about your username

 **HallaLover69:** Oh do you like it??

 **HallaLover69:** It took me ages to come up with it! I wanted to just be called HallaLover but that one was taken.

 **HallaLover69:** Then I tried HallaLover1 but that one was taken too. And then I tried HallaLover2 but that was also taken!

 **ATAB:** oh no

 **HallaLover69:** But I kept trying!

 **ATAB:** merrill you didnt

 **HallaLover69:** And eventually I found a username that wasn’t taken yet! That was lucky!

 **PirateQueen:**                   oh no sweet kitten

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** lmaoooooooooooooooooo

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** hahaha

 **HallaLover69:** Ooh and I love the number 69 too! I always thought it looked like a pair of fishes swimming in a circle!

 **HallaLover69:** 69

 **HallaLover69:** See??

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** someone needs to tell her

 **ATAB:** not me

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** same :/

 **PirateQueen:** merrill im sending u a private message

 **HallaLover69:** Oh how sweet of you!

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** this is too much

 **notgarrett:** I cant believe this

 **ATAB:**                              you know what

 **ATAB:**                              i absolutely can

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** kjkjajajbdabiqhzxasgba

 **lonewolf:** Sigh

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** I had a feeling you’d be the kind of person who types out the word “sigh” elf

 **lonewolf:** What do you want from me?

 **HallaLover69:** Okay so Isabela and I had a little chat.

 **PirateQueen:**                   we suuuure did

 **HallaLover69:** And she thinks I should change my username to something that can’t be so easily misconstrued.

 **HallaLover69:** Ah, how do I do that, exactly?

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** you can change your name in the chat settings menu

 **HallaLover69:** Oh, of course!

 **HallaLover69:** And where is that?

 **PirateQueen:** the gear icon in the top right corner of the screen

 **HallaLover69:** I see it! Thank you, Isabela!

 **PirateQueen:** always happy 2 help kitten <3

 **HallaLover69:** Oh!! It’s a little heart!

 **HallaLover69:** <3

 **HallaLover69:** It’s so cute!

 **HallaLover69:** <3

 **HallaLover69:** <3

 **Pirate Queen:** <3

 **HallaLover69:** <3

 **PirateQueen:** ur name kitten

 **HallaLover69:** Oh yes!

 **notgarrett:** <3

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** smooth carver

 **notgarrett:** Shut your fuck

 

 **_HallaLover70_ ** _has changed their nickname to **HallaLover70**_

****

**TheRealVarricTethras:** I don’t know what I was expecting

 **HallaLover70:**                 Is this better??

 **PirateQueen:**                   its

 **PirateQueen:**                   its much better sweetie

 **HallaLover70:** Oh, great!

 **HallaLover70:** <3

 **PirateQueen:** <3

 **HallaLover70:** <3

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** speaking of usernames tho

 **notgarrett:** <3

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** little slow on the draw there, Junior

 **notgarrett:** ffs not you too Varric

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** what does atab stand for anders?

 **ATAB:**                              All Templars Are Bastards

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** niiiiiiiiiiiice

 **PirateQueen:** niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

 **HallaLover70:** <3

 **kirkwallfuckboi:**              mage rights or mage fights

 **ATAB:** MAGE RIGHTS OR MAGE FIGHTS

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** <3

 **HallaLover70:** <3

 **lonewolf:** Sigh

 **Aveline Vallen:**                I can see I haven’t missed much.

 **PirateQueen:**                   thot u had work 2 do aveline???

 **Aveline Vallen:** My superior ordered me to take a lunch break.

 **Aveline Vallen:**                Something about me “working too hard and making the rest of us look bad”.

 **PirateQueen:**                   lmaoooooo

 **TheRealVarricTethras:**    that sounds like you, alright

 **Aveline Vallen:**                So here I am.

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** good to have you back :D

 **ATAB:**                              can’t relate

 **PirateQueen:**                   wowww

 **PirateQueen:**                   #andersthefuckignsavage

 **ATAB:**                              ;)

 **HallaLover70:** How cute! It looks like it’s winking at me!

 **HallaLover70:** ;)

 **ATAB:** ;)

 **PirateQueen:** ;)

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** someone change the topic before carver tries to jump in again

 **notgarrett:** Garrett i swear to Andraste

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** you mentioned drinks at the hanged man, hawke?

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** oh yeah! who’s around tonight?? i’ll buy the first round :P

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** sounds good to me!

 **ATAB:** oh yeah same

 **PirateQueen:**                   wooooooooooo gettin drunkkn

 **Aveline Vallen:** Are you certain you aren’t already drunk?

 **PirateQueen:** fuck oyu i do wat i want

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** i can confirm that Rivaini types like this even when she’s sober

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** which she currently is most definitely not

 **PirateQueen:** varric i cant beleive youd BETRAY ME LIKE THIS

 **PirateQueen:** i thot we were palz????

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** for the record, me and Rivaini have been in the Hanged Man for a few hours now

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** and i’ve been watching her get plastered at the bar

 **Aveline Vallen:** Can’t say I’m all that surprised.

 **lonewolf:** me neither

 **PirateQueen:**                   im hurt guys :’’’’’’(

 **PirateQueen:** </3

 **HallaLover70:** Oh no, the heart is broken now!

 **HallaLover70:** </3

 **HallaLover70:** Don’t worry, Isabela, I’ll be right over to you as soon as I can

 **PirateQueen:** youre sooo amazing kitten ;*

 **HallaLover70:** Thanks! <3

 **ATAB:**                              i suppose you’re all heading to the hanged man now then?

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** may as well :P

 **ATAB:**                              i’ve a few more patients to see here but i’ll be there asap

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** fenris??

 **lonewolf:** I’ll see you there

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** sweeeeeet

 **PirateQueen:** its gonna be LITTTT xoxoxoxoxox

 **notgarrett:** have fun

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** lmaooo carver youre coming too

 **PirateQueen:** BITCH U THOT

 **notgarrett:** i’ve got things to do Garrett

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** like what????

 **notgarrett:** important things it’s none of your business

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** gotta shake that snake amirite?

 **notgarrett:** ffs

 **PirateQueen:** gotta pull that pole?

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** gotta shuffle those knuckles?

 **PirateQueen:** grey that warden?

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** ride that dragon?

 **PirateQueen:** satisfy the demand of that qun?

 **ATAB:** polish that staff?

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** conquer that darkspawn?

 **HallaLover70:** Tow that aravel?

 **HallaLover70:** By the way, what are we talking about?

 **PirateQueen:** i’ll explain later kitenn

 **notgarrett:** you’re one to fucking talk Garrett!

 **notgarrett:** my bedroom is right next to yours in case you forgot!

 **notgarrett:** and you’re waaaaayyy louder than I ever am!

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** im asserting my dominance carver

 **notgarrett:** whatever

 

 **_notgarrett_ ** _has left the group_

**kirkwallfuckboi:** dont you run from me!

 

 **_kirkwallfuckboi_ ** _added **notgarrett** to _ **Hawke and the Squad™**

 **_notgarrett_ ** _has left the group_

**Aveline Vallen:** Hawke, this technically counts as bullying.

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** but motherrrrrrr

 **Aveline Vallen:** Leave him be.

 **kirkwallfuckboi:**              fine

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** flames

 **PirateQueen:** are we getting drukn or not?!?!?!

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** Rivaini, you’re already drunk

 **PirateQueen:** but its no fun if im doing it by myselffff

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** NEVER FEAR MY LOVELIES HAWKE IS COMING

 **PirateQueen:** is that what you shout whenever you climax??

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** maybe

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** would you like to find out??

 **PirateQueen:** ;)

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** ;)

 **HallaLover70:** ;)

 **ATAB:** this is making me feel very uncomfortable

 **TheRealVarricTethras:** same here, Blondie

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** OK FOR REAL EVERYONE COME TO THE HANGED MAN ASAP

 **kirkwallfuckboi:** HAWKE OUT

 **lonewolf:** Did he really just say “hawke out”?

 **ATAB:** he sure did

 **lonewolf:** Sigh


	2. Kingsway 16th

_Kingsway 16 th, 12:45_

**_kirkwallfuckboi_ ** _added **Benedictions** to _ **Hawke and the Squad™**

 

**kirkwallfuckboi:** hey folx i added sebastian to the chat since he’s part of the crew now and all

**Benedictions:** Hello, everyone!

**PirateQueen:** heyyyy

**TheRealVarricTethras:** how’s it going, Choir Boy?

**HallaLover70:** Hello Sebastian <3

**Benedictions:** Thanks for the welcome!

**Benedictions:** And thanks for the invite, Hawke!

**kirkwallfuckboi:** dont mention it :P

**Benedictions:** So...what exactly do you all talk about here?

**TheRealVarricTethras:** well it got started about a week ago when Hawke wanted to invite everyone to a round of drinks at the Hanged Man

**TheRealVarricTethras:** but now it’s mostly just shitposting and pro-mage memes

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i mean

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i still do use it to invite people to the hanged man

**kirkwallfuckboi:** but more importantly

**kirkwallfuckboi:** YES ALL MAGES

**HallaLover70:** YES ALL MAGES

**ATAB:**                              PUNCH YOUR LOCAL TEMPLAR

**PirateQueen:** PUNCH YOUR LOCAL TEMPLAR

**kirkwallfuckboi:** FREEDOM NOT TRANQUILLITY

**HallaLover70:** FREEDOM NOT TRANQUILLITY

**Benedictions:**                  I.

**Benedictions:**                  I see.

**TheRealVarricTethras:**    yeah

**ATAB:** FUCK THE CIRCLE

**kirkwallfuckboi:** FUCK THE CHANTRY

**kirkwallfuckboi:** no offense sebastian

**Benedictions:** None taken.

**ATAB:**                              me: i promise i wont get political

**ATAB:**                              me five minutes later: hey elthina why are you such a useless fuckign bigot?

**Benedictions:**                  ...

**Benedictions:**                  What?

**TheRealVarricTethras:** oh boy

**ATAB:** i said what i said

**Benedictions:** Listen, Anders

**PirateQueen:**                   here we fuckin go

**Benedictions:** I understand, and perhaps even empathise with, your grievances against the Chantry.

**Benedictions:** But I won’t stand by and allow you to besmirch the good name of the Grand Cleric.

**Benedictions:** She’s a good woman and a friend to all – mage and non-mage alike.

**ATAB:** lmaooo good one

**ATAB:** open your eyes sebastian shes not a “good woman” 

**ATAB:** shes either a coward whos too spineless to help those who really need it 

**ATAB:** or a malicious old crone who wont relinquish her power even if it means the suffering of thousands

**kirkwallfuckboi:**!!!!!

**PirateQueen:**                   yeah @aveline ive just witnessed a fuckign murder can we get the kirkwall guard on this???

**Benedictions:** How dare you speak of the Grand Cleric that way!

**Benedictions:** I think maybe YOU should open your eyes, Anders.

**Benedictions:** Maybe then you’ll see that Grand Cleric Elthina may be the mages’ only hope when the templars are so keen to oppress them.

**Benedictions:** You ought to be grateful.

**TheRealVarricTethras:** yikes

**ATAB:** grateful????

**ATAB:**                              what in the flying fuck have i got to be grateful for???

**ATAB:** your precious grand cleric is complicit in the abuse and slaughter of mages in kirkwall

**ATAB:** and you have the AUDACITY to tell me i should funnabwdbnkwkadnwdnkJNQD

**TheRealVarricTethras:** uh

**kirkwallfuckboi:** anders??

**kirkwallfuckboi:** everything ok???

**HallaLover70:** Oh no, he’s not responding!

**kirkwallfuckboi:** sebastian i love you but if youve just killed anders i swear to andraste

**ATAB:**                              WHAT IS THIS

**kirkwallfuckboi:** ANDERS YOURE ALIVE PRAISE THE MAKER!!!

**ATAB:**                              IS THIS SOME SORT OF COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

**PirateQueen:** oh dear

**PirateQueen:** i think anders has left the building

**TheRealVarricTethras:** oops

**lonewolf:**                         Wonderful

**Benedictions:** Is this the demon within Anders that I heard about?

**ATAB:** I AM NO DEMON

**TheRealVarricTethras:** Choir Boy, we don’t mention the d-word around Justice

**TheRealVarricTethras:** it tends to upset him

**ATAB:** CHANTRY PUPPET I DEMAND YOU PAY FOR YOUR COMMENTS

**ATAB:**                              I WILL SEE THAT JUSTICE IS DONE

**kirkwallfuckboi:** deep breaths justice

**ATAB:** DO NOT PATRONISE ME

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i understand how you feel justice i swear

**kirkwallfuckboi:** but please just stay calm

**ATAB:** I CANNOT STAND BY AND ALLOW THE CRIMES OF OPPRESSORS TO GO UNCHALLENGED

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i know justice i know

**Benedictions:** Am I supposed to feel threatened by this?

**PirateQueen:** sebastian no offense but stfu

**kirkwallfuckboi:** please justice you have better things to get angry about than a careless comment in a group chat

**ATAB:** I DON’T NEED YOU TO DICTATE TO ME THE THINGS I OPPOSE

**ATAB:** BUT

**ATAB:** PERHAPS YOU ARE CORRECT IN THIS INSTANCE

**PirateQueen:** wow hawke

**PirateQueen:** i think you mightve actually got through to him

**TheRealVarricTethras:** don’t jinx it, Rivaini

**lonewolf:** I strongly doubt that

**lonewolf:** There can be no bargaining with demons

**TheRealVarricTethras:** hey elf, ix-nay on the emon-day

**lonewolf:** Varric that isn’t how Tevene is spoken you know

**ATAB:** whats this about a demon??

**kirkwallfuckboi:** anders! youre back!!

**TheRealVarricTethras:** good to see you’ve calmed down, Blondie

**ATAB:** huh??

**ATAB:** oh no

**ATAB:** oh no i just scrolled up in the chat

**ATAB:** trust justice to type everything with capslock on :/

**kirkwallfuckboi:** are you feeling alright?

**ATAB:** just a bit light headed as usual

**ATAB:** nothing serious

**ATAB:** thank you for helping me calm down

**kirkwallfuckboi** dont worry about it :)

**kirkwallfuckboi:** honestly i was worried justice was going to do something youd regret

**TheRealVarricTethras:** something like murdering Choir Boy, you mean?

**ATAB:** i dont think id regret that tbh

**TheRealVarricTethras:** wow okay

**PirateQueen:**                   cold blooded

**Benedictions:** I’m feeling very attacked.

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i meant like breaking your phone cos he tapped on the screen too hard

**kirkwallfuckboi:** but yeah that works too i guess

**TheRealVarricTet** **hras:** anyway, look

**TheRealVarricTethras:** we’re all friends here

**lonewolf:** I don’t remember calling any of you my friends

**HallaLover70:** You’re right, Varric!

**HallaLover70:** This group chat ought to be a place of love and understanding and peace <3

**lonewolf:** Well now I just feel bad

**PirateQueen:** fenris u should

**TheRealVarricTethras:** Daisy, you took the words right out of my mouth

**TheRealVarricTethras:** Hawke made this chat for us all to get along

**TheRealVarricTethras:** so i don’t want to see any more fighting, alright?

**PirateQueen:** thats a pretty big ask varric

**Aveline Vallen:** For once, I think I agree with her.

**TheRealVarricTethras:** hey, i live in hope

**TheRealVarricTethras:** also, i hope you’re enjoying your lunch, Aveline

**Aveline Vallen:** I was.

**Aveline Vallen:** Until I made the mistake of picking up my phone.

**PirateQueen:** aveline

**PirateQueen:**                   words hurt :’(

**ATAB:** yeah you cut us deep :((((

**HallaLover70:** </3

**ATAB:** oh and also varric

**ATAB:** i understand what youre saying

**ATAB:** but i do have one thing to add

**TheRealVarricTethras:** oh yeah?

**ATAB:** *leans in closer to microphone*

**lonewolf:** Oh no

**ATAB:** THE ONLY GOOD TEMPLAR IS A DEAD TEMPLAR

**TheRealVarricTethras:** Andraste’s ass, Blondie

**kirkwallfuckboi:** THE ONLY GOOD TEMPLAR IS A DEAD TEMPLAR

**TheRealVarricTethras:** Hawke, you’re not helping

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i disagree most emphatically

**PirateQueen:** “i disagree most emphatically” – kirkwallfuckboi, 18:31 dragon

**kirkwallfuckboi:** listen here Isabela

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i can sermonise in whatever manner i so fucking please

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i am sophisticated as shit ok???

**PirateQueen:** i can respect that

**HallaLover70:** By the way, Hawke, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.

**kirkwallfuckboi:** go right ahead merrill

**HallaLover70:** What does your username mean?

**kirkwallfuckboi:** well its quite simple really

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i live in kirkwall

**kirkwallfuckboi:** and im a fuckboiii :PPPPPP

**HallaLover70:** But what’s a fuckboiii?

**PirateQueen:** something u should stay far away from kitten

**HallaLover70:** Oh.

**Aveline Vallen:** Isabela, you’re no doubt familiar with such men.

**PirateQueen:** ive had a few fuckboys in my time its true

**kirkwallfuckboi:** BIG MOOD

**PirateQueen:** as well as several fuckladies

**PirateQueen:** not to mention some gender nonconforming fuckpeople

**kirkwallfuckboi:** ISABELA YOU ARE MY QUEEN!!!!

**PirateQueen:** down boy ;)

**kirkwallfuckboi:** a true bi icon

**kirkwallfuckboi:** a bicon

**PirateQueen:** wow ive been called a bike before but never a bicon

**PirateQueen:** thank u hawke ;*

**kirkwallfuckboi:** its nice to not be the only bisexual in the group tbh

**ATAB:** same here

**kirkwallfuckboi:** anders you too?????!!

**ATAB:** well im pansexual but yeah

**kirkwallfuckboi:** that is also exceedingly amazing

**HallaLover70:** Wait a moment.

**HallaLover70:** Is bisexuality what it’s called when you’re attracted to more than one gender?

**PirateQueen:** thats right kitten

**HallaLover70:** Oh, well then I suppose that includes me too!

**HallaLover70:** :)

**kirkwallfuckboi:** wooooooooooooo!

**kirkwallfuckboi:** we nearly outnumber the hets at this stage

**TheRealVarricTethras:** count me in too

**PirateQueen:**!!!

**kirkwallfuckboi:**!!!!!

**TheRealVarricTethras:** oh, don’t act so shocked

**TheRealVarricTethras:** i’ve done a bit of dabbling in my time

**PirateQueen:** varric i swear u are gonna tell me all about this dabbling the next time we go to the pub

**TheRealVarricTethras:** you better buy me a drink first, Rivaini

**kirkwallfuckboi:** so thats what

**kirkwallfuckboi:** 5 awesome queers to 3 filthy heteros??

**lonewolf:** I’m not straight Hawke

**kirkwallfuckboi:** :O

**PirateQueen:** “I’m not straight Hawke” – fenris, 18:31 dragon

**kirkwallfuckboi:** I C O N I C

**lonewolf:** Well I’m not

**ATAB:** in that case its just aveline and sebastian left

**PirateQueen:** >.>

**Aveline Vallen:** I don’t have to divulge anything I don’t wish to.

**PirateQueen:** found the cishet

**ATAB:** we arent trying to interrogate you aveline

**ATAB:** do you feel like youre being interrogated??

**Aveline Vallen:** I’m not going to answer that, Anders.

**Aveline Vallen:** However, Isabela, I feel I must correct that comment.

**PirateQueen:**???

**Aveline Vallen:** While I am indeed heterosexual, I’m not cisgender.

**PirateQueen:**!!!

**Aveline Vallen:** Not that it’s any concern of yours.

**PirateQueen:** shit aveline i wasnt trying to intrude

**Aveline Vallen:** Don’t worry about it.

**lonewolf:** For the record I am also trans

**PirateQueen:**!!!!!

**kirkwallfuckboi:** “For the record I am also trans” – fenris, 18:31 dragon

**lonewolf:** Why do you feel the need to keep quoting me like that?

**PirateQueen:** becuase everything you say is LEGENDARY

**lonewolf:**...Thank you?

**Benedictions:** In that case, it looks as though I am the only straight cisgender person in this group chat.

**TheRealVarricTethras:** there’s always one, i suppose

**ATAB:** a crushing disappointment as always sebastian

**kirkwallfuckboi:** LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**PirateQueen:** #toptensaddestanimedeaths

**TheRealVarricTethras:** flames, you three

**TheRealVarricTethras:** can’t we all go five minutes without roasting Choir Boy?

**ATAB:** i probably COULD

**ATAB:** i just dont want to

**PirateQueen:** lolllll

**PirateQueen:** this reminds me of when carver was still in this chat

**notgarrett:**                      I AM still in this chat

**PirateQueen:** HOLY SHIT

**kirkwallfuckboi:** wait what?!?!

**kirkwallfuckboi:** carver when did you join back???

**notgarrett:** Varric added me last week

**notgarrett:** I just never bothered to respond until my name was mentioned

**kirkwallfuckboi:** wow i guess we just never noticed :/

**TheRealVarricTethras:** also, I should point out that Junior here actually ASKED to be added back

**notgarrett:** Thats not true!

**TheRealVarricTethras:** said he’d calmed down and was beginning to feel left out

**notgarrett:** Varric youre such a blasted liar

**PirateQueen:** lmaooooooooo

**notgarrett:** Andrastes ass

**Benedictions:**                  Hey! No need to take Her name in vain!

**notgarrett:** Who in the void are you?

**kirkwallfuckboi:** oh shit right

**kirkwallfuckboi:** sebastian this is my little brother carver

**kirkwallfuckboi:** carver this is sebastian vael from starkhaven

**PirateQueen:** hawke met him in hightown one day and started hitting on him and got turned down cos sebastians a chantry brother

**kirkwallfuckboi:** SWEET MAKER ISABELA YOU CANT JUST SAY THAT

**notgarrett:** Nice one Garrett

**kirkwallfuckboi:** you shut your fuck up carver!

**Benedictions:** Well, you certainly can tell that they’re brothers.

**TheRealVarricTethras:** yeah, they’re a lot alike, aren’t they?

**kirkwallfuckboi:** shut up varric

**notgarrett:** Shut up Varric

**notgarrett:** ffs

**PirateQueen:** wow those replies were literally half a second apart

**kirkwallfuckboi:** :///

**Aveline Vallen:**                Well, as entertaining as this has been, I need to get back to work.

**PirateQueen:** dont sound too upset big girl

**HallaLover70:** Bye, Aveline <3

**TheRealVarricTethras:** see you later :)

 

_Kingsway 16 th, 18:23_

 

**ATAB:** wtf the fuck

**ATAB:** how did aveline leaving kill the chat??

**lonewolf:** No you fool!

**lonewolf:** Let it die!

**kirkwallfuckboi:** NEVER

**kirkwallfuckboi:** THIS CHAT SHALL REIGN FOREVER

**notgarrett:** :/

**TheRealVarricTethras:** so who’s up for pints?

**PirateQueen:** ME

**ATAB:** oh maker yes

**HallaLover70:**                  I want to come along too!

**lonewolf:** same

**notgarrett:** me too

**kirkwallfuckboi:** HEY IM NOT DONE SCREAMING

**kirkwallfuckboi:** but uh yeah same

**TheRealVarricTethras:** Choir Boy, you’re welcome to join us, as usual

**Benedictions:** We’ll see.

**TheRealVarricTethras:** i’ll take that as a yes

**TheRealVarricTethras:** see you all at the hanged man then

**PirateQueen:** fuck yes who wants me to trash them in wicked grace????

**PirateQueen:** i mean play me in wicked grace

**kirkwallfuckboi:** nice try isabela but the gaping hole in my bank account from the last time i played you still hasn’t been filled in

**PirateQueen:** you could always fill in MY gaping hole

**PirateQueen:** ;))))

**kirkwallfuckboi:** ;)))))))

**lonewolf:** I feel uncomfortable

**HallaLover70:** ;∑

**HallaLover70:** Oops

**ATAB:** what the fuck

**ATAB:** how did you do that?

**HallaLover70:** I don’t really know, to be honest.

**HallaLover70:** Oh well, see you all at the Hanged Man!

**HallaLover70:** <3

**PirateQueen:** see you there kitten ;*

**HallaLover70:** I’m putting my phone away now! Talk to you in a while!

**notgarrett:** <3

**kirkwallfuckboi:** maker’s breath carver

**notgarrett:** Sigh

**lonewolf:** Don’t do that

**notgarrett:** Sorry


	3. Harvestmere 5th

_Harvestmere 5 th, 15:01_

**_Benedictions_ ** _sent a picture to_ **Hawke and the Squad™**

 

**Benedictions:** Just back from the gym :P

**Benedictions:** Really happy with the progress I’ve been making!

**PirateQueen:** WELL HELLO THERE

**PirateQueen:** sebastian is that vow of celibacy u took flexible in any way???

**Benedictions:** Hahaha I’m afraid not, Isabela, but I appreciate the compliment!

**ATAB:**                              sebastian this isn’t your instagram account

**ATAB:** why are you sharing your gym pics here?

**kirkwallfuckboi:** MAKER’S BREATH ANDERS DON’T COMPLAIN

**kirkwallfuckboi:**              we should all be on our knees praising andraste for allowing us the privilege of seeing this blessed image

**Benedictions:**                 Hahaha!!

**PirateQueen:**                   i’d happily get on my knees for sebastian whenever he wanted tbh

**Benedictions:** Oh goodness I’m not used to this level of attention whenever I post a photo!

**Benedictions:** I think I’ll share all my selfies here from now on!

**ATAB:** bloody flames

**lonewolf:**                         In that case...

**_lonewolf_ ** _sent a picture to_ **Hawke and the Squad™**

**lonewolf:** Here’s my latest pic.

**PirateQueen:**                   I’M

**kirkwallfuckboi:** by the void!!!!!!

**PirateQueen:** those tattoos REALLY go alllllllllll the way down don’t they

**lonewolf:** First of all they’re not tattoos

**lonewolf:** And secondly...yes they really do

**PirateQueen:** :PPPPPPPPPP

**TheRealVarricTethras:**     things just got a lot thirstier around here, didn’t they?

**PirateQueen:** can you blame us???

**PirateQueen:**          fenris literally just shared his nudes!!

**lonewolf:** I’m wearing socks in that pic so technically I wasn’t naked

**PirateQueen:**                    uh ill still take ten thanks very much

**TheRealVarricTethras:**     wow, Rivaini, you just made him start grinning at his screen

**lonewolf:** No she didn’t

**TheRealVarricTethras:** I can see you, Broody

**lonewolf:** You can’t prove anything

 

**_TheRealVarricTethras_ ** _sent a picture to_ **Hawke and the Squad™**

 

**TheRealVarricTethras:** there’s your proof

**kirkwallfuckboi:**!!!!!!!!

**kirkwallfuckboi:**              what a wholesome meme

**PirateQueen:**                  MAKER THATS SO CUTE

**lonewolf:** :/

**HallaLover70:**                 Wow so that’s what it looks like when Fenris smiles!

**lonewolf:** ://

**ATAB:**                              never thought id see the day

**lonewolf:** Fuck you

**HallaLover70:** Oh but since we’re all sharing photographs apparently here’s one of me watering my plants!

 

**_HallaLover70_ ** _sent a picture to_ **Hawke and the Squad™**

**PirateQueen:** MAKER THATS EVEN CUTER

**HallaLover70:** Do you like it? <3

**HallaLover70:** Varric took it last week when he came over for tea!

**TheRealVarricTethras:** it’s a really nice photo, Daisy

**kirkwallfuckboi:**         <3 <3 <3

**HallaLover70:** Thank you, Hawke! <3

**notgarrett:** <3

**HallaLover70:** Oh, and thank you too, Carver! <3

**notgarrett:** you

**notgarrett:** you’re welcome

**kirkwallfuckboi:**         its a day full of firsts apparently

**notgarrett:** shut the up

 

 

_Harvestmere 5 th, 15:30_

**_PirateQueen_ ** _sent you a private message_

**PirateQueen:** I

**PirateQueen:** Am

**PirateQueen:** T H I R S T Y

**kirkwallfuckboi:** fUFFJKAJSFNAKNS

**PirateQueen:** hawke why are all of ur friends so fuckign hawt

**kirkwallfuckboi:** are you including yourself in that??

**PirateQueen:** obviously

**kirkwallfuckboi:** lmao

**PirateQueen:** but srsly

**PirateQueen:** i didnt realise sebastian was so fuckingg RIPPED

**PirateQueen:** under those robes

**kirkwallfuckboi:** SAME

**kirkwallfuckboi:** hes very lickable

**PirateQueen:** unf

**PirateQueen:** agreeeeeeeed

**PirateQueen:** u think hed let me lick him???

**kirkwallfuckboi:** think that would violate the whole vow of celibacy thing

**PirateQueen:** ugh well thats no fun

**PirateQueen:** wait

**PirateQueen:** how about

**kirkwallfuckboi:** that too

**PirateQueen:** i didnt even say it lol

**kirkwallfuckboi:** you didnt have to

**PirateQueen:** lmao u know me too well

**kirkwallfuckboi:** as far as i know fenris is up for grabs tho

**PirateQueen:** oooooh

**PirateQueen:** wouldnt mind a piece of that either tbh

**PirateQueen:** i thought he was all lanky and skinny

**PirateQueen:** but it turns out hes got a lot of muscly parts too :P

**kirkwallfuckboi:** makers breath isabela

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i saw that pic he sent and i literally started drooling ngl

**PirateQueen:**                   screaminggggggggggggg

**PirateQueen:**                   so are u going to get on that???

**PirateQueen:**                   cos if u dont then i totally will ;)

**kirkwallfuckboi:** idk

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i have a rule of not banging mage haters

**PirateQueen:** hmmmmm thats fair

**PirateQueen:** actually im kind of surprised u have standards at all tbh

**kirkwallfuckboi:** wow ok

**PirateQueen:** ur username is literally kirkwallfuckboi

**kirkwallfuckboi:** it still hurts </3

**PirateQueen:** </3

**PirateQueen:** oh speaking of which what do u think of merrill??

**PirateQueen:** seeing as were getting all our friend crushes out in the open and all

**kirkwallfuckboi:** hmmm

**kirkwallfuckboi:** shes really beautiful

**PirateQueen:** maker i knowwwwww

**kirkwallfuckboi:** but shes also like

**kirkwallfuckboi:** really sweet and pure and innocent

**kirkwallfuckboi:** and thinking sexy thoughts about her is like

**kirkwallfuckboi:** idk it feels weird

**PirateQueen:** yeah i think i see what ur saying

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i really want to just hold her hand 

**PirateQueen:** me too!

**PirateQueen:** but also at the same time like

**PirateQueen:** i want to bury my mouth in her

**kirkwallfuckboi:** sweet andraste

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i cant get that image out of my head now thanks

**PirateQueen:** ur welcome :PP

**kirkwallfuckboi:** anyone else?

**PirateQueen:** i mean varric is pretty tasty

**PirateQueen:** but hes clearly taken

**PirateQueen:** and i dont think i could share him with a literal gun

**kirkwallfuckboi:** yeah hes a one woman man lmao

**PirateQueen:** bianca is lucky af

**PirateQueen:** so i cant help but notice how u never mentioned anders

**kirkwallfuckboi:** did i not?

**PirateQueen:** nope!

**kirkwallfuckboi:** right

**kirkwallfuckboi:** uh

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i didn’t mention aveline either tho

**PirateQueen:** i know u don’t want to fuck aveline cos you hate cops

**kirkwallfuckboi:** ok true

**PirateQueen:** but u and anders...

**PirateQueen:** i kind of thought there was something going on there tbh

**PirateQueen:** he obviously likes u more than the rest of us

**PirateQueen:** and u are always right with him when hes ranting about mage rights

**kirkwallfuckboi:** am i not allowed give a fuck about mage rights??

**PirateQueen:** of course you are

**PirateQueen:** wait are you getting defensive?!?!?

**kirkwallfuckboi:** no!!!!!!!

**PirateQueen:** makers breath you are

**PirateQueen:** hawke bby do u fancy the smelly mage boy??

**kirkwallfuckboi:** hes not smelly!!

**PirateQueen:** holy fuck u DO

**kirkwallfuckboi:** ship the fuck up!

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i dont fancy anders!!

 

 

_Harvestmere 5 th, 16:08_

**_ATAB_ ** _sent a picture to_ **Hawke and the Squad™**

 

**ATAB:** justice posted this to the chat while using my phone

**ATAB:** not sure how or why he chose it but im not complaining

**PirateQueen:** WHOA!!! :O

 

_Harvestmere 5 th, 16:11_

**_PirateQueen_ ** _sent you a private message_

**PirateQueen:**...

**kirkwallfuckboi:** ok ok i take it back

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i fancy the robes off him

**PirateQueen:** knew itttttttttttt

**PirateQueen:** lol thats so cute

**kirkwallfuckboi:** :/

**PirateQueen:** im actually screamign ive never seen u like this

**kirkwallfuckboi:** look hes just really lovely ok??

**kirkwallfuckboi:** hes so kind and sweet and passionate

**kirkwallfuckboi:** and so righteous and angry and full of compassion

**kirkwallfuckboi:** and talented and brilliant and strong and funny

**PirateQueen:**!!!

**kirkwallfuckboi:** ok im gonna stfu before i embarrass myself any further

**PirateQueen:** uhhhh hell no this is purer than like fifteen merrills

**kirkwallfuckboi:** ffs

**kirkwallfuckboi:** pls dont tell anyone

**PirateQueen:** come on hawke ur a grown adult

**PirateQueen:** u faced darkspawn and templars and maleficars and ur uncle

**PirateQueen:** u can tell anders u want to kiss his face

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i really cant tho

**PirateQueen:** why not???

**kirkwallfuckboi:** idk hes just so

**kirkwallfuckboi:** intimidating i suppose

**kirkwallfuckboi:** like hes got all this mage stuff figured out and he wants to make a difference

**kirkwallfuckboi:** and wont let anything stand in his way

**kirkwallfuckboi:** its partly why i admire him so much you know?

**kirkwallfuckboi:** plus i dont want him to think im only taking his side cos i want to nail him

**PirateQueen:** awwww hawke

**PirateQueen:** u know what u need?

**kirkwallfuckboi:** to get laid??

**PirateQueen:** ok well yeah

**PirateQueen:** but i actually wasnt going to say that

**PirateQueen:** for once

**kirkwallfuckboi:** then what?

**PirateQueen:** u need to relax and have a night out on the town!

**PirateQueen:** i know some great bars near the docks we could go to

**PirateQueen:** and we can just get drunk af and party til the sun comes up

**kirkwallfuckboi:** you know

**kirkwallfuckboi:** maybe youre right

**kirkwallfuckboi:** i havent had a proper night out in ages

**PirateQueen:** right??

**PirateQueen:** come on itll be fun

**PirateQueen:** i can buy the first round

**kirkwallfuckboi:** sweeeeet

**PirateQueen:** ill see you at the hanged man at nine then yeah?

**kirkwallfuckboi:** fuck yeah lets do this!!1


End file.
